Movies are magical. They take us to other worlds, they give us our heroes and our comedy relief. And they are all actually documentaries that can teach us the truths of life. Here are 10 things that movies have taught me, which we have all been wrong about:

  1. If I ever see a row or convoy, driving along the street or freeway, of trucks, buses, armored cars, dump trucks, or pretty much any type of vehicle with the capability to contain a high number of highly trained and motivated badasses or carry away a hell of a lot of loot, I know one thing for certain: shit is gonna be going down somewhere.
  2. There are actually far fewer phone numbers in the world than we mathematically think are required. Or there are a hell of a lot more area codes. And there are no wrong numbers or busy signals.
  3. It is possible, for us as humans, to evolve to the point where there is almost no need to urinate unless you’ve been drinking at a bar, and defecating could be completely done away with. If you do happen to see some one doing the business, they are following or secretly communicating with somebody else through an earpiece while standing at the urinal. At which point somebody will always say “Play with it, son, don’t talk to it.” Women also don’t ever close the door when they are mid-stream.
  4. Most animals can talk, have secret organizations and secret conflicts with other animals, but can still be fooled by “BALL!” They won’t ever talk when it would be really convenient for me, though, such as life or death situations.
  5. Everyone on the planet speaks English. If I bump into somebody and they aren’t speaking English, they are hiding something, or a bad guy, or if I stare at their lips long enough I’ll begin to hear them speak English. Bonus: speaking of bumping into somebody, if I literally do bump into somebody, they’ve planted a tracking device or stolen something from me.
  6. Male dancers, apparently, aren’t gay and actually do love the womens.
  7. Handguns are designed to be used, fired, by being held sideways, come with infinite ammo, and one could tell if one is the good guy because then its all 1-shot kills.
  8. All the computers I have ever used my entire life are apparently the worst computers on the planet, since they don’t have flying 3D graphic interfaces letting me zoom through lines of code and bank accounts, they require power sources, couldn’t use the wires from a payphone to connect to the internet and private networks, can’t bypass all security systems with the OVERRIDE command, and can’t upload a virus by simply typing UPLOAD VIRUS.
  9. Whenever there are twins, one of them is pure evil. If they are female twins, they will possess model looks, one of them will still be evil, and she’ll be the more saucy one.
  10. And what have I learned of the most importance? That’s easy: anything a midget does is hilarious. Anything.